My dream last night was slightly more pleasant than usual (if you don’t know, I always have nightmares / bizarre dreams). I packed a luggage, bought an air ticket, hopped on a plane bound for Korea and I dreamt I was never coming back. I managed to make it to the airport, checked in myself, reached the Korean airport, and even managed to check out even though I had so little grasp of the language. I took the public transport, I found the apartment in which I was gonna stay in, I looked forward to a new life. And above all, I was fascinated with the thought of being totally alone in a completely foreign environment. There’s something about facing a future full of uncertainty and not knowing what your next moment will be like.
I was perfectly happy being alone and not having to be accountable to anybody. I could take whatever route I wanted to the train station, I could have took the wrong bus and wasted a fair amount of money, but I didn’t need to hear anybody nagging at me for the ‘wrongs’ I did. I was free.
Then I opened my eyes, and realized that hey, it was just a dream. So many times I have woken up disappointed because my dreams felt so much like reality, and I never wanted to face the real world again.
Independence means having the freedom to make choices, but it also means to assume more responsibility and be prepared to face whatever consequences that follow your path of action.
Currently, I have been quite satisfied with how life is turning out for me, but there’s always this uncertainty at the back of my mind. What will happen when I’m made to be fully responsible for my life and know that no one is gonna save my ass when I screw up?
I’ve made many, many decisions and probably I would say that I hated the consequences that resulted after. Those feelings of regret just intensify by maybe a hundred times when you realize there’s absolutely nothing that can be done to turn the time back, to take back something that you said but didn’t mean, to rework a certain friendship or relationship an entirely different way just so things could turn out different. Better still if someone invented a time machine that allowed you to turn back your life several times so that you could trial and error and see which path worked out the best. But sadly, that’s never gonna happen and we only have one shot at this.
I like how things are now but some part of me wishes there could be more substance. But then again, if things backfire and go horribly wrong, I’m afraid I will never forgive myself. Made too many mistakes, don’t wanna take a gamble on this as well.
As you can see, I have digressed quite a few times throughout writing this post, so I’m just gonna stop here. It’s been long since I have written something like this, heartfelt, just without explicitly providing the context that’s framing my train of thought now (haha).
P.S If anyone could give me a one-way ticket to Korea (or any other country), I will gladly zip there right away.